Your heart pounds, your mouth dries, your ears begin ringing, and your face suddenly feels so hot!  You just got a call that a potential client wants to meet for an interview.  This often leads to a mad-scrambling of resources, or the paralyzing shock of sudden responsibility.

No need to fear!  First off, keep in mind these people have contacted you because they are aware of the services you provide, and they are wondering how you as a doula can help them as expectant parents. 

Place:  Where to meet?  There are many different ideas about this.  Many doulas feel there is nothing better than to meet in the expectant parents' space -- their home.  The advantage here is, you are able to show them you can fit into their home and life.  Pregnant women are traipsing to a lot of different places -- the doctor's office, the ultrasound office, the hospital to pre-register, their childbirth classes.  Nothing is really accomodating, so to be able to visit a mom in her home can help with the whole why-one-might-want-a-doula-in-the-first-place:  Having an advocate to help with physical, informational, and emotional support who is more just a random stranger on shift.

Sometimes a doula might feel meeting in one's home, without any prior meeting or credible information about a potential client can be a safety issue. I have personally had times where I did feel comfortable going to a stranger's home for an interview; there are also times I feel more relaxed scheduling an interview in a public place.  Going with your gut can be helpful here -- we encourage women to use their intuition to aid in their process of birth, we need to remember that and apply it to ourselves, as well.

There is another school of thought that says, this is an initial meeting where no commitment has been agreed upon yet, so the doula and the expectant family should try to meet in a public location about as in-the-middle as can be, which can be helpful if a doula lives a distance from the potential clients.  This saves her gas money and travel time.  Often if a doula is hired, she makes the full trip to the clients' home for her prenatal meetings.

A good alternative to meeting in a private home is a comfortable, public location.  I often meet clients at a tea bar I frequent.  The atmosphere is light and calm.  There are many different types of tea and drinks, plus food if the meeting is at a meal-time or if someone needs a snack.  I have met at coffee shops before, although I don't drink coffee.  I have found they are often bouncing with noise and turnover-crowd.  Other places I have had interviews are parks (good in the weather is nice or the interviewee has other children), restaurants, medical office waiting rooms (this helps streamline a woman's appoinments), her work place at lunch (then we went on a nice walk), WIC Office, baby store, and an apartment's recreation center.

It would be naive not to take some cautionary measures for your safety when going to an interview.

-Leave a note detailing where you are going, who you are meeting with, and how long you will be gone.  Information that should be included:  The names of the folks you are meeting, the address of the location, the email address or access to any online exchanges you have had with the person.

-Bring a cell phone with you, especially if you are meeting at a private home.

-If you feel something's fishy about the situation, choose a public place, and perhaps have someone come with you, incognito at another table, or as a doula-in-training learning the ropes -- saftey in numbers.  I know this sounds odd, and if you really felt strange about something why go at all?  There are times, however, where you aren't sure about the situation.  I have never had a "this is not right," kind of situation at or after an interview, but I have had those feelings from initial phone or email contact.  Proceeding with a back-up plan is just an added measure of protection in an uncertain situation.

It is important to note I have not experienced anything scary or dangerous as I have worked as a doula.  The point is not to strike fear into your heart, the point is to remember to listen to your gut and be mindful of your safety as you proceed down this road. 

Stay tuned for part 2:  No Need to fear...the Interview:  What to Talk About?

I am often approached by women who feel a pull towards this work.  A common comment in situations like these is:  "But you know so much!  I don't know nearly enough -- how could I do what you do?"

There is a secret.  I learned this though years of personal observation and experience.  I would love to share it with you if you have come here in the hopes of figuring this out for yourself.  Are you ready for it?  Now, pay attention, because if you understand and embrace what I am about to tell you, you may gain a boost of confidence that can buoy you up in times of self-doubt and personal conflict.

Imagine this:  You are shopping in your favorite grocery store.  You notice the refried beans are no longer in their spot on the shelf.  You ask a passing employee for help.  She confirms visually they are missing and says, "Oh.  I don't see them.  I don't know what?  Sorry."  Then she leaves.  How are you feeling?  Frustrated, mad, let-down, unimportant?

Imagine now the same situation.  You see garbanzo, kidney, white, black -- but no refried beans.  Again an employee walks by and you ask about the beans.  She looks, sees their place on the shelf has been taken over by other beans, and turns to you to say, "I don't know, but let me find out for you."  Now how are you feeling?  Cared-for, worth it, appreciated?  That employee took more time to help you, admitted she didn't have the immediate information you needed, and in the end, she helped you solve your problem (the beans had been moved by the tortillas, salsa, and canned peppers!).

Women are coming to us for information, yes, and often they are needing comfort, reassurance, affirmation, compassion, an ear to hear and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.  It is so much more important that we encircle that woman in our attention and our care versus offering her the precise answers to her questions and then sending her on her way.  The surface problem she presents may be just the tip of the iceberg, and without skills like active listening, seeking clarification, reacting with appropriate body language, we can miss what's under the water.

When does a woman feel cared-for?  When she knows you are focusing on her and that you care about her.  The way to show this is by being present with her.  It is okay (and appreciated!) to tell her you aren't familiar with the issue, and you will aid her in finding helpful resources.

So the answer to the question, "Am I smart enough?" is this:


"Stuff" can be pulled out of books -- facts, statistics, information; this comes from without and slowly takes root within.  It can be sterile, static, and cold.

"Stuffing" is what you have to offer,  what makes a teddy bear comforting; this comes from within and (often, not slowly!) makes its way without.  It can be calming, assuring, and warm. 

One makes you a smart doula; the other makes you a great doula.

The Birth of Leah

Debbie called me at 8:30 am to let me know contractions had started.  I joined her and her best friend Lisa at the hospital – Debbie was 2-3 centimeters.  Debbie and I worked through the contractions.  She would really have to focus.  Lisa  and I would stand on either side of the bed rubbing Debbie’s arms and shoulders, smoothing her hair, and giving her space to focus.  Lisa  was not quite respectful of Debbie’s need to focus and go within herself to endure, and Lisa  would ask Debbie questions about unimportant things while Debbie was trying to concentrate.  I kept redirecting Lisa  respectfully, reminding her that Debbie needed space to focus, and could we wait until the contraction is over to get an answer?  A vaginal exam at 1:15 revealed Debbie to be 100% effaced, 4-5 centimeters dilated.  Debbie had AROM followed by her epidural at 2:00.  The contractions spaced out to 8-10 minutes, and Debbie’s blood pressure dropped dangerously low.  Debbie’s nurse, Mary, stayed with us in the room for almost 2 hours charting and watching Debbie and her monitors.  Debbie’s blood pressure did eventually increase.  At 4:30 pm Debbie was checked and found to be complete.  She started pushing at 6:00, and baby was born via Mighty Vac at 6:52.

Debbie is a single mother and she felt a doula would help her feel supported and informed.  My primary goal for Debbie’s birth was to make her feel special, strong, and empowered.  I knew Debbie wanted an epidural.  Debbie had a severe knee injury which happened about the time she became pregnant.  That, coupled with her being very overweight, greatly reduced her options for movement.  I helped a lot before Debbie got the epidural with coping techniques such as counting backwards through contractions, and massaging her hands, which grew tired from gripping her bed rails.  Debbie’s situation reminded me of something Penny Simkin wrote of a client who left an abusive relationship:  I think Debbie did not need to feel any pain on this birth day.

Debbie reacted well to her labor!  She really had to focus from about 11:45 until 2 pm.  She seemed to leave for a minute and find someplace in her mind where she could cope, and once the contraction was letting up, she would slowly open her eyes and release her grip on the bedrails.  When I would say, “Debbie, that was great.  You have found a place and you are really doing a wonderful job focusing and relaxing,” Lisa  would discredit what I was saying by replying with, “Yeah, Debbie’s thinking ‘Whatever,’” or “Debbie’s thinking, ‘Shut-up already.’”  I don’t think Debbie was thinking any of those things.  It really felt like I was being undermined.  When I would ask Debbie the, “What was going through your mind…” question she would usually reply “I just wanted to get through it.”  She never had a panicked or scared reaction.  Debbie reacted very sweetly to her new baby.

I learned some good people-coping skills.  Lisa  is a tough kind of gal.  When Debbie’s blood pressure fell, and then her legs went numb, Lisa  was upset and wondered why they didn’t stop the epidural?  Lisa ’s personal experiences left her to believe the numbing aspect of an epidural was abnormal (“That did not happen with my epidurals”).  I tried to explain how epidurals worked, but she got very defensive.  I finally said I did not know, and she should ask the doctor about it (he was also Lisa ’s doctor).  I learned sometimes it is better to “not know.”  I learned sometimes I need to stand away and be useless, like while the baby was being delivered and I was not by Debbie (Lisa  was to her left, doc at the end, nurse at her right).  After Leah's birth, I was able to help more practically.  Lisa had left, and Debbie was alone.  I stayed longer helping with breastfeeding and ensuring Debbie got a nice meal as well.  Debbie’s father arrived about an hour later, and I was able to help him hold his granddaughter for the first time -- he swayed and shooshed her right to calmness.  I learned even though a person only thanks you for bringing them dinner, that can mean a lot.

I have been working hard for months to bring a doula training to Chico.  Why, some might ask (my husband included!)?  Why would I want to bring in more competition?  I guess my reasoning there would be, so women in my community have more options about the doulas they are able to select from.

I often hear things from people like, "I would love to be a doula, but ___________."  The answers that fill that blank are things like, I have never given birth, I already have a full-time job, I have little ones at home, I am too old, I am too young, etc.

At the end of the doula training yesterday, as a closing exercise, the women were asked to say why they would be good doulas.  The very last woman, who was also tending her on-the-run baby for just the few last minutes of the training, said  -- very passionately -- "Because I want to!"  This wasn't an answer we might expect from a toddler who is asked why he is kicking the dog, but instead, it was a woman's firm, known, felt desire surfacing as she examined what it was within her that would allow her to be truly present for a woman during labor and birth.  And I cannot wait to work with her!

Self-examination is a good tool.  This can come in handy when looking at why you might want to start down the doula path.  Visiting the DONA site gives many answers to the common questions women have when they consider what it would take for them to become a doula.  Other great places for answers can be online doula websites, real doulas already working in your community, and books, such as "The Doula Book," and "The Birth Partner."

I have heard this before:  "I can't hire that doula, she has never had a baby."  While this can be a very important to a family as they are selecting a doula, upon further examination, it is not hard to see where the logic can breakdown:  Simply, a woman who has never had a baby is potentially bringing less baggage to birth than a woman who has experienced birth and formed personal opinions about what makes it good and bad.  Also a bonus, a woman who has not given birth likely has less entanglements at home which might complicate her life as a doula.

Of course you can be a good doula no matter what your background -- no babies, cesarean births, or 10 kids all born at home -- because essentially, helping a woman through her own experience of birth has nothing to do with me.  This is not my show, these aren't the choices I would make for myself, this is not the baby I  will raise and love for the rest of my life.  This is her experience, and my job is not to judge -- my job is to offer her information, support, and caring as she makes the decisions that are the best for her, her baby, and her particular labor/birth.

So, it doesn't matter who you are and what you have experienced, it only matters that you want to help, and that through training, intuition, and instinct, you know how to provide that help without imposing or inserting your own agenda, but that you have the ability to care for this woman, walking alongside her and her partner, as they navigate their road together.

A few places you can find more answers:

DONA's FAQ
So You Want to Be a Doula?
Mothering Magazine's Forum for Birth Professionals

I often think about how hard it is to be a mother.  It is hard!  It is not fun.  It is a lot of constant battles.  It is a lot like herding sheep, catching greased pigs, feeding horses apples with your hands flat so you don't get bit, training monkeys, and taming lions, not necessarily in that order.  I do love my job as a mother, don't think I don't, but man, it is so hard! 

When I get sick, I don't get a lot of slack.  There are still diapers to be changed, laundry to be washed, meals to be cooked, babies to be nursed, etc., etc., etc., etc.  Yes, I put a lot of  those in there, because so often all those mundane tasks of motherhood fall under the "Etcetera" category.

I was watching the New York Marathon yesterday.  The announcer was talking about the woman in the lead, Paula Radcliffe.  She has a little toddler baby girl named Ila.  The announcer said Paula often chants Ila's name at the homestretch to keep herself running.  He also mentioned little Ila would be at the finish line, waiting for her mommy. 

As soon as Paula stepped across the line, little Ila came flying out from somewhere, happy to see her mama.  Little Ila ran up to Paula and stretched her arms up to her mother.  Paula had looked exhausted, of course -- her whole last mile she looked jagged and a bit out of sync -- but none of that mattered as Paula scooped the little girl up and into her arms.  After a few seconds she put the girl down, but that wouldn't do for Ila.  So up into Mommy's arms again she was brought, with no thought to how tired her mom must be, only the need to be in her mom's arms. 

So yes, I close with (and excuse my stealing), Motherhood:  The Hardest Job You'll Ever Love (when your kids are asleep).

More good ideas about motherhood:

-9 Reasons Why I Like Being a Mom
-21 Ways to Enjoy Being a Mom
-Stumbling into Motherhood

A couple of weeks ago, I took my 6-year-old and 9-year-old to a Weezer concert.  We had so much fun, dancing and singing to the songs we love.  It was my first time seeing Weezer, and for both boys (barring my 9-year-old's Sting concert at 11-months-old) it was their first show.  It is definitely something we want to do again.

I had planned to labor to music during all three of my babies' births, but at the time, it didn't come to pass.  Many women are helped through their labors by the comfort of the music they connect with.  Often couples will pick out a lot of different songs to load up onto their MP3 players or to make a CD.  The key to an effective compilation is to make sure there are varied types of songs included.  Slow songs are helpful when a woman needs to rest or wants to drown out any background noise she may feel surrounded by.  Upbeat songs can be helpful while a woman may be walking, stomping, rocking, or even pushing.  Songs that a woman has a personal connection to also have a place in this repertoire -- take, for example, the first song she and her partner danced to, a song played at their wedding, or a song that reminds a woman of a time, person, or event in her life that brings her strength. 

Although one can spend hours on a good mix of music, flexibility is still the key -- a woman may then decide she doesn't wish to listen to music at all.  That's okay, too.  The time spent creating such a resource won't be wasted as this collection could still be played later, with fond memories of what the intentions were while originally creating it.

In my class, I like to play music in the background.  Of course I choose things I really like, such as Chris Isaak, Beck, Weezer of course, and other artists' songs that are a bit more on the calm side.  I tend to play a bit of classical music as well.  The other day in class we were talking about music and how it can help us cope, give us strength, encourage rest, and generally lift our moods.  "It is important to remember," I shared as we listened to a Puccini CD, "that if you, say, hate classical music, you don't put any on your birth CD."  I gestured to the CD player and the expectant parents laughed. 

What if you aren't sure what to use?  Often, the hospital will have CDs a family can use in a pinch, but then you won't have much choice about it.  Lullabies are often a good choice as well -- they work during labor, and they work afterwards with a new baby.  One of my favorite choices is "Rockabye Baby," a company that takes your favorite artists and changes their music into melodic lullabies appropriate for any nursery.  Chances are, there is something there you will like, from Smashing Pumpkins and Metallica, to No Doubt, U2, and even classic artists like Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd.

I had a doula client once who realized, once her water broke, she suddenly was filled with fear about her baby's birth.  It happened while she did her grocery shopping, and as she started driving towards her home to call her midwife and her husband, a song popped into her head:
"Don't worry
About a thing
'Cause every little thing's gonna be all right."

Later into her labor, we put that CD on and her baby was actually born to Bob Marley.  And every little thing was all right.

More about music and birth:

-Some Science, and Some Songs that Work
-Music to Birth Kids By (funny!)
-Choosing Music to be Born To

We are in the middle of a move.  It is hard to wade through 7 years of accumulated stuff, and there is a reason moving is one of those challenges that can help set a person into a depression.  On the good side, our new place is bigger with more room; on the bad side, it is a new place, and there are a lot of kinks to work out, such as no available DSL/cable, no known address for the Post Office, and the usual rash of new-house-issues that we, as the first occupants, get to discover.  It is an adventure, to say the least!

When having a baby, we have the opportunity to move.  We move from one head-space, to another.  It is a time to purge out old ideas, such as the fears surrounding birth that we have grown up with or watched on TV.  It is a time to find the philosophies that resonate with us and our pregnant bodies, and nurture those, such as an innate belief that our bodies and our babies know how to time, cooperate, and coordinate all things needed for a safe birth-journey.

Just as each birth experience in a woman's life is unique, every pregnancy and birth-journey can leave an expectant mother feeling like the first person to move into a new home -- discovering the askew window, the shower with low pressure, the sink that wasn't sealed -- and these things can leave her feeling stress at the anticipation of how these problems will be resolved.  Rest assured, though, that with the proper maintenance team, they CAN be resolved.

And so it goes for the pregnant woman.  When a woman is surrounded by a care team that she trusts, she can discuss her particular issues and work towards solving them.  There are things that can be picked up at a routine prenatal appointment, such as high blood pressure, but it is important to remember the physical body is just one room of the pregnant woman's house.  If you are feeling unrest, worry, anxiety, your practitioner might not always be aware of that -- and you may feel you don't want to bother her.  Let me share, though:  If you feel something is going on that is not normal for you, your care practitioner will want to know.

I can speak from the heart on this one.  I experienced a deep depression with my third pregnancy, and I mentioned it to no one.  Looking back now, I realize it wasn't okay; at the time, though, I think it was pride that kept me from sharing this with my own midwife.  Come on, I was a doula, a childbirth educator, and the already very-able mom to two children; I didn't want to embarrass myself by admitting that I might be having a problem I wasn't capable of fixing on my own.

This wasn't just a bit of negative thinking, though -- my thoughts were being colored by what seemed like a cloud hanging over my head.  Here is a peek as to how serious (and distorted) my thoughts were:  I was sure my baby was not going to be born alive.  I just knew it.  It kept me awake at night.  I started having panic attacks.  I disconnected a bit from my children.  And of course worry consumed me.  Through all of this, I never mentioned anything to anyone.  I suffered in silence.

At the time, this was my full reality.  Looking back now, I know I was in need of help, and I should have sought it out.  But stigma and shame kept me isolated, and I endured alone.

That baby will be three next month.  He is happy, healthy, and learning to use the potty.  I recovered quickly after he was born, and we adjusted to life with three boys.  I regret I spent so much of my pregnancy with him sure and ready to lose him. 

When these kinds of thoughts don't just pass through your mind, but stay, take up residence, and make themselves cozy, it may be time to lighten the burden by getting in touch, and being honest, with our care practitioners.  We don't have to be stuck in a bad mental space simply because our pride acts as a barrier.  If you feel you may need help, please ask.  It could be time to move. 

Three places to find more information:

-Postpartum Support International
-What Uncle Sam has to Say
-Self-Quiz

Seeing mom working so hard to bring their baby out?  Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howling monkey instead of a human?  Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes?  The blood, sweat, and tears of it all?  Does that answer your question?

Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family.  As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other.  I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act.  Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner, the mother.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary.  Once seated at a restaurant, waiting for dinner, I started the conversation.

"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives."  My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz.  He didn't look too eager to answer my probing questions.  I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately.  "Well, answer this for me:  Did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?"  Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?

"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over."  I did know that, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer.  I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength.  I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him. 

The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.  

I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check Mom's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife).  I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out of Mom.  I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands.  But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show his or her love for the laboring woman.  Hands are important, but the location of hands is not.  Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level.  Touch is the goal, touch and loving words. 

In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.

Help for a birth partner:

-The Birth Partner (book)
-Dads and Birth Partners
-Supporting Your Partner During Birth

I picked this book up in my favorite used bookstore here in Chico, aptly called, "The Bookstore."  I was familiar with the Leonard Cohen song, but as I read I realized I hadn't truly absorbed the words.  Being pulled towards things that have to do with mothers, babies, and birth, I fell in love with the book.  Not only are the words appropriate to so many birth stories, coupled with Matisse pictures, the treasure comes alive in your hands.

I had carried this book in my doula bag for quite a few births before I ever had need to pull it out.  A woman, beautifully taken up by the process of working towards birthing her baby, asked her husband to read to her.  I retrieved the book, and Dad began to read the beautiful love poem to his Love.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

I may just ask my husband to read this to me tonight...

Three ways to dance during labor:

-Slowdancing
-Belly Dancing
-Spinning Babies Suggestions

The excitement that surrounds an expectant mother starts building as soon as the good news is shared.  As her burgeoning belly grows so does attention from others.  Baby’s arrival brings relatives, friends, and neighbors…at first.  But as the much-awaited birth comes and goes, so do the people.  Often this can leave a new mother feeling isolated, tired, and depressed.

In some cultures, the new mother is relieved of her daily duties and attended to for up to 40 days postpartum.  Special restorative foods are brought to the mother, she is taken care of by members of her family, and her sole responsibility is to bond with her new baby.  This is known as a babymoon.  In our culture, 40 days after birth typically sees the end of a mother’s maternity leave!  

You can help meet a new mother’s needs simply by using your heart and your hands, and sometimes your ears.  Never expect to just plop in and be entertained – always ask what you can do to help.  Often mothers have reservations about letting you pitch in with cleaning or laundry.  If this is the case, place a simple list numbered 1, 2, 3 on the refrigerator.  Ask her to write down three things she would feel comfortable accepting help with.  The next time you visit, glance at the list and get going!  If she insists life is great, do something unexpected for her.  Bring her a pot of homemade soup and some warm bread.  Drop off a new pair of pajamas for her, or the baby, or both!  Demonstrate your active listening skills by summarizing her shared feelings and suspending your judgment, offering suggestions only if she asks for your opinion.   

I have the fortunate opportunity to nurture and support pregnant women during their experiences of pregnancy and birth.  I have noticed the mother who functions well, feels good, and exudes confidence early in the postpartum period is the mother who continues to be blessed with help and visits from her extended supporters.  Babies bring joy, but they bring demands as well.  By meeting the needs of the new mother in your life, whether she is a friend, a neighbor, or your own daughter, you are enabling her to better care for and meet the needs of her own baby. 

Three things that can help after the baby comes:

-Postpartum Support International
-How to Have a Happy Baby
-Operating Instuctions