The phone rings at 7:30 – I am still asleep. A midwife-friend asks if I can come help a couple birth their baby. I shower, grab my bag, kiss my baby and husband, and head up the hill.

I see him first. “Alan?” I introduce myself as he applies counterpressure to the heap of a person lying in front of him. She is the beautiful Audra. Her face glistens with sweat, sticky long strands of hair cling to her cheeks. In the throes of labor, she looks Snow White-ish and other-worldly.

This work is intense. She cries out. Her own mother comes, bringing soft hands and sweet words; she did this for her daughter, and now her daughter does this for a son. As connected as they were through cord-to-organ are they now head-to-head, their noses mirrored. One face reflects pain while the other projects protection.

Alan has her now, cradled in his arms as she rocks toward him. I press, press, press on that bulging place on her back that signals a baby's passing – that upside-down triangle which starts where flesh dips and thins at the top of her warm buttocks. I smell her – the smell of life – spicey, earthy, and hot, and tinny. Alan's fingers graze mine and for a blink we connect with this woman's power. It won't be long.

Her baby emerges in a bag of egg-drop soup, wearing his cord as a scarf. The midwife gently unwinds his traveling clothes and hands him to his mother. He squints his eyes and searches, following his hands like a blood-hound on the trail. The force that expelled him caused her breasts to force out shiny beads of honey. As he suckles, mother and baby are brought back to their circle of symbiosis.

I attended a lovely waterbirth last week.  Mama+Daddy=Chloe.

by Carl Sandburg

Being born is important
You who have stood at the bedposts
and seen a mother on her high harvest day,
the day of the most golden of harvest moons for her.

You who have seen the new wet child
dried behind the ears,
swaddled in soft fresh garments,
pursing its lips and sending a groping mouth
toward nipples where white milk is ready.

You who have seen this love's payday
of wild toiling and sweet agonizing.

You know being born is important.
You know that nothing else was ever so important to you.
You understand that the payday of love is so old,
So involved, so traced with circles of the moon,
So cunning with the secrets of the salts of the blood.
It must be older than the moon, older than salt. 

The beautiful picture that accompanies this poem is done by artist and mother, Cary York.  I came across her work on Etsy.com, of course.  She kindly allowed me to use her picture here in my blog.  Her lovely pictures truly envelope the spirit and heart of motherhood -- they are a joy to look upon.

As an educator, I am pretty easy-going.  My main goal is to offer accurate, evidence-based information and trust the expectant family to make the decisions they feel are right for their situation.  I don't give a lot of "you should do this" kind of advice -- it's just not my style, and I don't think it lends well to a woman learning to trust her inner wisdom.

One place where I throw this out the window, though, is when it comes to "rules" a partner absolutely must follow.  These rules are not covered in a particular class, rather they come up according to what topics we happen to be discussing.  In class last week we happened to touch upon quite a few of these rules, and I told my families, "I should write these down."  Enter, the blog!

These are for partners, so the "you" in the sentence is not the woman who is pregnant, but her direct support person...I think you know who you are.

1.  You are not allowed to have bad breath.  Her breath will probably be less-than-optimal -- she is working hard, breathing through her mouth, it could have been hours since she last brushed her teeth, or she may have thrown up her last snack.  None of this matters.  She needs support, often in a very close, in-your-personal-space kind of way.  If her breath causes you to recoil, you can muster up your strength and remind yourself of the awesome events unfolding within her body.  If your breath causes her to recoil, she may, very bluntly, tell you so, or maybe she will just involuntarily vomit in your lap.  You have been warned.  No chili cheese fries with extra garlic for you, partner.  Breath mints, gum, and mouthwash are your friends.

2.  You are not allowed to comment about anything else that might come out of her that is NOT a baby.  It is very common for a woman to have a bowel movement during the second stage of birth -- it is actually a good thing -- not only does it provide extra space for a baby, it also shows she knows how to push.  If a woman asks later, “Did I poop?” be careful, this question can be as loaded as, “Do I look fat?”  My best answers to this question:  “Hmm, I don’t remember,” or a solid, “No.”  One situation, kids, where honesty doesn’t pay.

3.  You are not allowed to try and have a conversation with her during a contraction.  Commonly, partners pick this one up pretty quickly, so it is kind of a freebie.  But, there is a second part:  While this seems like a simple idea to you, others coming and going may not remember to “respect the contraction.”  Your job is to run interference so the laboring woman can focus -- remember her contractions are her body’s little bursts of working energy, and her concentration is needed.  If a nurse or friend tries to talk to her at this point, not only can it be a source of irritation to her, it can actually impede her body’s ability to unroll the red carpet that is the birth process.  "Let's wait and ask her when the contraction is over."

4.  You are not allowed to suffer in silence if there are people in the room that your partner is obviously not comfortable with.  This includes friends and family as well as hospital staff.  If the person(s) happen to be friends or family, and they just won’t listen to your kind requests of removal, enlist help from your doula or nurse or practitioner.  Get one of these fine folks alone in the hall and let her know your company has gotten out of control, and to save yourself the potential grudge at the 4th of July party and forever, could she please help you out?  These professionals have mouths like magic wands and they can easily clear a room with smiles on their faces and official-ness in their voices.  Your guests will never know what was at the root of their departure, and you have helped protect your partner and the space she needs to un-focus for birth.

If the unwanted guest happens to be working at the hospital, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a replacement or a removal.  If you feel there is a bad connection with your nurse, you can talk to her about it, talk to the nurse manager about it, or talk to your practitioner about it, and see if the situation can be changed for the better, either with improved communication, or with a new nurse who better fits your philosophy and birthing plans.  If a nurse walks in with a group of students and your birthing partner does not want to be on the observation deck, this is a situation where you can ask for removal, in a nice way, of course.  “My-partner-the-laboring-woman and I discussed this beforehand, and she is not comfortable having students present.”

5.  You are not allowed to get upset if you catch the brunt of some unseemly comments.  When a woman is having a baby, some odd things happen in her brain and she may not be in the “polite” part of her mind – that filter of sorts – that “nice-izes” the things we say.  Imagine this:  your eyes are closed and you are listening to something you know is very important, but it is lightly garbled and it runs together.  Your job is to pick out the words and phrases and construct some logical instructions out of it.  The words are being whispered, and you are concentrating hard, trying to understand them.  At the same time, you are aware of a fly buzzing around your face.  You don’t know how long the fly has been there, but suddenly it seems like forever, and in a nanosecond, the idea of that fly just consumes you, and you pop open your eyes and start flailing your arms around like crazy, surprised by how you went from zero to medieval in no time flat.  That’s kind of what it’s like in your head when you are absorbed in having a baby.

6.  You are not allowed to complain about being tired, hungry, sick, or sore.  That just kind of goes without saying.  If you feel you might need someone to help you help your partner if one of these four physical conditions should arise, consider hiring a doula.  Not only does she help the laboring mother, she also ensures the birth partner is doing well, gets to eat, gets to rest, gets a shoulder rub, etc.

To sum up:  Labor and birth are intense times.  There is so much going on that it can be hard to know how to help.  A woman must go through this process herself – no one can do it for her.  But that doesn’t mean she has to be alone while she is doing it.  The most important rule a partner should remember is to be with her and remind her of the wonderful job she and her baby are doing together, and that she has your support, your heart, and your presence during the process.

I was recently asked how women in general have the courage to go through birth more than one time.

My response:  Are you kidding? When I think over my last birth experience (11-05), I keep wishing I could go back to that last hour of most intense, hard, full-on kill-me-now labor. While it was hard and intense, what I remember and long for is the closeness that was in that room with my mom, husband, doula, and midwife. The quiet support they offered me. The jokes in between contractions. The anticipation of knowing the baby would be here soon. There was such a special feeling shared amongst us all -- like there was absolutely nothing else happening anywhere else in the entire world, or universe, for that matter.

Yes, during that intense time I said two funny things I 150% meant. 1) I told my midwife, "I'll let you pull him out with a vacuum, you know." 2) I told the room, "I don't think I can do this again."

My first baby was pulled out via vacuum after three hours of pushing. I felt let-down and insignificant, like my doctor could not help me push him out by suggesting another position, or just letting me take my time -- it was more like she wanted to get home. My dh knew I would be so upset if I actually did have this baby pulled out that same way, so he knew he would not let me do that (if it were not needed). My midwife laughed, too -- she recognized it as a cry for help and plea of desperation, but not what I really would have been happy with in the long run.

When I said the second thing I meant I could not have another baby after this. My midwife looked at my husband and said, "Do you want to get this in writing?" I held strongly to this until day 6 postpartum -- and then I remember thinking, "I would do it again."

There is just something so incredible about being on the cusp of that life-changing experience. I think I would have 5 labors/births to not have to go through 9 months of pregnancy, that's really where the draining experiences come in my opinion!

Before my first baby, I didn't have so much fear simply because I had no idea what to expect.  After my first, and seeing how things went and knowing more, yes I was pretty scared to have another baby. After my second I was even more scared -- they say the third birth is a wild card, and I also had this cognitive distortion that, well babies and I were safe the first and second time, so something bad is bound to happen now! 

After my third birth I felt like, heck -- they are just starting to get good! Having my third baby made me want to have another one, and I never felt that way before.

Seeing mom working so hard to bring their baby out?  Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howling monkey instead of a human?  Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes?  The blood, sweat, and tears of it all?  Does that answer your question?

Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family.  As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other.  I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act.  Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner, the mother.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary.  Once seated at a restaurant, waiting for dinner, I started the conversation.

"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives."  My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz.  He didn't look too eager to answer my probing questions.  I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately.  "Well, answer this for me:  Did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?"  Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?

"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over."  I did know that, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer.  I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength.  I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him. 

The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.  

I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check Mom's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife).  I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out of Mom.  I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands.  But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show his or her love for the laboring woman.  Hands are important, but the location of hands is not.  Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level.  Touch is the goal, touch and loving words. 

In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.

Help for a birth partner:

-The Birth Partner (book)
-Dads and Birth Partners
-Supporting Your Partner During Birth

I picked this book up in my favorite used bookstore here in Chico, aptly called, "The Bookstore."  I was familiar with the Leonard Cohen song, but as I read I realized I hadn't truly absorbed the words.  Being pulled towards things that have to do with mothers, babies, and birth, I fell in love with the book.  Not only are the words appropriate to so many birth stories, coupled with Matisse pictures, the treasure comes alive in your hands.

I had carried this book in my doula bag for quite a few births before I ever had need to pull it out.  A woman, beautifully taken up by the process of working towards birthing her baby, asked her husband to read to her.  I retrieved the book, and Dad began to read the beautiful love poem to his Love.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

I may just ask my husband to read this to me tonight...

Three ways to dance during labor:

-Slowdancing
-Belly Dancing
-Spinning Babies Suggestions

Q.  What is your feeling about taking clients that have the same due date?

A.  I would actually prefer to have two clients with the same due date, as opposed to having clients with a two-week space between due dates.  It is speculated that only 5-10% of babies are born on their actual due dates -- that is maybe one out of ten women, so the chances of two women, with the same due date, having their babies at the same time is even less than that.  On a personal note, I have only ever had back-to-back/same-day births with clients where I thought there was a safe distance between due dates, but babies come when babies come -- they don't often get the memo about due dates.

Once a client of mine had a cesarean two weeks early for a medical issue (about 2 pm), and another client had her baby the same day (her due date), 6 minutes before midnight.

Second time I had a client go two days early; my back-up doula had a client go 18 days overdue (my back-up had to leave on day 16).  My back-up's client (whom I was now the doula for) was in the hospital working on day 2 of an induction.  My client went into spontaneous labor, and actually had her baby at about midnight.  Before I left, I went to pop into the other family's room, but their nurse assured me they were sleeping.  I geo home (35 minutes away) and barely fell asleep, when the phone rang.  I ran back to the hospital, very sleepy!  Baby was born about 12 hours later around 3 pm.

Third time I had a client go 16 days past her due date, and another client went a couple of days early.  Over-due mama delivered at about 10 pm; early mama called me at 1 in the morning stating her water broke.  Back to the old grindstone!

A few things you should know about due dates:

-What Goes in a Due Date?
-When is that Baby Due?
-ACOG Guidelines for Induction