I am often approached by women who feel a pull towards this work.  A common comment in situations like these is:  "But you know so much!  I don't know nearly enough -- how could I do what you do?"

There is a secret.  I learned this though years of personal observation and experience.  I would love to share it with you if you have come here in the hopes of figuring this out for yourself.  Are you ready for it?  Now, pay attention, because if you understand and embrace what I am about to tell you, you may gain a boost of confidence that can buoy you up in times of self-doubt and personal conflict.

Imagine this:  You are shopping in your favorite grocery store.  You notice the refried beans are no longer in their spot on the shelf.  You ask a passing employee for help.  She confirms visually they are missing and says, "Oh.  I don't see them.  I don't know what?  Sorry."  Then she leaves.  How are you feeling?  Frustrated, mad, let-down, unimportant?

Imagine now the same situation.  You see garbanzo, kidney, white, black -- but no refried beans.  Again an employee walks by and you ask about the beans.  She looks, sees their place on the shelf has been taken over by other beans, and turns to you to say, "I don't know, but let me find out for you."  Now how are you feeling?  Cared-for, worth it, appreciated?  That employee took more time to help you, admitted she didn't have the immediate information you needed, and in the end, she helped you solve your problem (the beans had been moved by the tortillas, salsa, and canned peppers!).

Women are coming to us for information, yes, and often they are needing comfort, reassurance, affirmation, compassion, an ear to hear and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.  It is so much more important that we encircle that woman in our attention and our care versus offering her the precise answers to her questions and then sending her on her way.  The surface problem she presents may be just the tip of the iceberg, and without skills like active listening, seeking clarification, reacting with appropriate body language, we can miss what's under the water.

When does a woman feel cared-for?  When she knows you are focusing on her and that you care about her.  The way to show this is by being present with her.  It is okay (and appreciated!) to tell her you aren't familiar with the issue, and you will aid her in finding helpful resources.

So the answer to the question, "Am I smart enough?" is this:


"Stuff" can be pulled out of books -- facts, statistics, information; this comes from without and slowly takes root within.  It can be sterile, static, and cold.

"Stuffing" is what you have to offer,  what makes a teddy bear comforting; this comes from within and (often, not slowly!) makes its way without.  It can be calming, assuring, and warm. 

One makes you a smart doula; the other makes you a great doula.

Seeing mom working so hard to bring their baby out?  Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howling monkey instead of a human?  Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes?  The blood, sweat, and tears of it all?  Does that answer your question?

Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family.  As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other.  I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act.  Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner, the mother.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary.  Once seated at a restaurant, waiting for dinner, I started the conversation.

"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives."  My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz.  He didn't look too eager to answer my probing questions.  I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately.  "Well, answer this for me:  Did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?"  Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?

"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over."  I did know that, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer.  I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength.  I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him. 

The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.  

I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check Mom's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife).  I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out of Mom.  I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands.  But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show his or her love for the laboring woman.  Hands are important, but the location of hands is not.  Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level.  Touch is the goal, touch and loving words. 

In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.

Help for a birth partner:

-The Birth Partner (book)
-Dads and Birth Partners
-Supporting Your Partner During Birth