As an educator, I am pretty easy-going.  My main goal is to offer accurate, evidence-based information and trust the expectant family to make the decisions they feel are right for their situation.  I don't give a lot of "you should do this" kind of advice -- it's just not my style, and I don't think it lends well to a woman learning to trust her inner wisdom.

One place where I throw this out the window, though, is when it comes to "rules" a partner absolutely must follow.  These rules are not covered in a particular class, rather they come up according to what topics we happen to be discussing.  In class last week we happened to touch upon quite a few of these rules, and I told my families, "I should write these down."  Enter, the blog!

These are for partners, so the "you" in the sentence is not the woman who is pregnant, but her direct support person...I think you know who you are.

1.  You are not allowed to have bad breath.  Her breath will probably be less-than-optimal -- she is working hard, breathing through her mouth, it could have been hours since she last brushed her teeth, or she may have thrown up her last snack.  None of this matters.  She needs support, often in a very close, in-your-personal-space kind of way.  If her breath causes you to recoil, you can muster up your strength and remind yourself of the awesome events unfolding within her body.  If your breath causes her to recoil, she may, very bluntly, tell you so, or maybe she will just involuntarily vomit in your lap.  You have been warned.  No chili cheese fries with extra garlic for you, partner.  Breath mints, gum, and mouthwash are your friends.

2.  You are not allowed to comment about anything else that might come out of her that is NOT a baby.  It is very common for a woman to have a bowel movement during the second stage of birth -- it is actually a good thing -- not only does it provide extra space for a baby, it also shows she knows how to push.  If a woman asks later, “Did I poop?” be careful, this question can be as loaded as, “Do I look fat?”  My best answers to this question:  “Hmm, I don’t remember,” or a solid, “No.”  One situation, kids, where honesty doesn’t pay.

3.  You are not allowed to try and have a conversation with her during a contraction.  Commonly, partners pick this one up pretty quickly, so it is kind of a freebie.  But, there is a second part:  While this seems like a simple idea to you, others coming and going may not remember to “respect the contraction.”  Your job is to run interference so the laboring woman can focus -- remember her contractions are her body’s little bursts of working energy, and her concentration is needed.  If a nurse or friend tries to talk to her at this point, not only can it be a source of irritation to her, it can actually impede her body’s ability to unroll the red carpet that is the birth process.  "Let's wait and ask her when the contraction is over."

4.  You are not allowed to suffer in silence if there are people in the room that your partner is obviously not comfortable with.  This includes friends and family as well as hospital staff.  If the person(s) happen to be friends or family, and they just won’t listen to your kind requests of removal, enlist help from your doula or nurse or practitioner.  Get one of these fine folks alone in the hall and let her know your company has gotten out of control, and to save yourself the potential grudge at the 4th of July party and forever, could she please help you out?  These professionals have mouths like magic wands and they can easily clear a room with smiles on their faces and official-ness in their voices.  Your guests will never know what was at the root of their departure, and you have helped protect your partner and the space she needs to un-focus for birth.

If the unwanted guest happens to be working at the hospital, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a replacement or a removal.  If you feel there is a bad connection with your nurse, you can talk to her about it, talk to the nurse manager about it, or talk to your practitioner about it, and see if the situation can be changed for the better, either with improved communication, or with a new nurse who better fits your philosophy and birthing plans.  If a nurse walks in with a group of students and your birthing partner does not want to be on the observation deck, this is a situation where you can ask for removal, in a nice way, of course.  “My-partner-the-laboring-woman and I discussed this beforehand, and she is not comfortable having students present.”

5.  You are not allowed to get upset if you catch the brunt of some unseemly comments.  When a woman is having a baby, some odd things happen in her brain and she may not be in the “polite” part of her mind – that filter of sorts – that “nice-izes” the things we say.  Imagine this:  your eyes are closed and you are listening to something you know is very important, but it is lightly garbled and it runs together.  Your job is to pick out the words and phrases and construct some logical instructions out of it.  The words are being whispered, and you are concentrating hard, trying to understand them.  At the same time, you are aware of a fly buzzing around your face.  You don’t know how long the fly has been there, but suddenly it seems like forever, and in a nanosecond, the idea of that fly just consumes you, and you pop open your eyes and start flailing your arms around like crazy, surprised by how you went from zero to medieval in no time flat.  That’s kind of what it’s like in your head when you are absorbed in having a baby.

6.  You are not allowed to complain about being tired, hungry, sick, or sore.  That just kind of goes without saying.  If you feel you might need someone to help you help your partner if one of these four physical conditions should arise, consider hiring a doula.  Not only does she help the laboring mother, she also ensures the birth partner is doing well, gets to eat, gets to rest, gets a shoulder rub, etc.

To sum up:  Labor and birth are intense times.  There is so much going on that it can be hard to know how to help.  A woman must go through this process herself – no one can do it for her.  But that doesn’t mean she has to be alone while she is doing it.  The most important rule a partner should remember is to be with her and remind her of the wonderful job she and her baby are doing together, and that she has your support, your heart, and your presence during the process.

Seeing mom working so hard to bring their baby out?  Making noises that seem more appropriate coming from a howling monkey instead of a human?  Watching things that maybe one has only seen on Discovery Health Channel through half-closed eyes?  The blood, sweat, and tears of it all?  Does that answer your question?

Birth is an amazingly transformative event in the life of the family.  As a doula and an educator, of course I relish in the whole thing and view baby's emergence as a spiritual experience unlike any other.  I am comfortable with the noises of labor and the sound of hard work -- the music which accompanies this great act.  Not everyone is, though, and not everyone feels sure about the birth process and the safety of their partner, the mother.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary.  Once seated at a restaurant, waiting for dinner, I started the conversation.

"I want us to think about our time together, and take inventory of our relationship, our family, and our lives."  My husband suddenly looked like a he walked into a pop quiz.  He didn't look too eager to answer my probing questions.  I was joking, but this did lead to one question that had been on my mind lately.  "Well, answer this for me:  Did you enjoy being at our babies' births, or would you have rather waited outside until it was over?"  Being a birth-lover, I knew what answer I wanted to hear -- did I have it within me to hear the other answer, too?

"Honestly, I would have liked to come in when it was all over."  I did know that, I don't know why I was expecting to hear that other answer.  I love my husband, and to his credit, he never left me needing or wanting more during labor; coupled with my doula's support, he was my main pillar of strength.  I know he appreciated my doula's way of caring for me, of anticipating my next whim, of comforting not only me, but also him. 

The realization set in that labor and birth is not everyone's cup of tea.  

I have seen partners, unsure in the beginning, actually put a glove on and check Mom's cervix (with the help of a wonderfully encouraging midwife).  I have seen a dad be the first to touch his baby's little head as it peaked ever-so-slightly out of Mom.  I have even seen a baby tumble out into a dad's strong hands.  But a partner does not have to do any of that to be involved and to show his or her love for the laboring woman.  Hands are important, but the location of hands is not.  Hands on hair, hands on forehead, hands on back -- hands on hands -- can be accomplished by a birth partner at any comfort level.  Touch is the goal, touch and loving words. 

In my husband's case, he held my hands during the most intense parts of labor, and he encouraged me with his voice; sterile gloves were not needed for either.

Help for a birth partner:

-The Birth Partner (book)
-Dads and Birth Partners
-Supporting Your Partner During Birth

The excitement that surrounds an expectant mother starts building as soon as the good news is shared.  As her burgeoning belly grows so does attention from others.  Baby’s arrival brings relatives, friends, and neighbors…at first.  But as the much-awaited birth comes and goes, so do the people.  Often this can leave a new mother feeling isolated, tired, and depressed.

In some cultures, the new mother is relieved of her daily duties and attended to for up to 40 days postpartum.  Special restorative foods are brought to the mother, she is taken care of by members of her family, and her sole responsibility is to bond with her new baby.  This is known as a babymoon.  In our culture, 40 days after birth typically sees the end of a mother’s maternity leave!  

You can help meet a new mother’s needs simply by using your heart and your hands, and sometimes your ears.  Never expect to just plop in and be entertained – always ask what you can do to help.  Often mothers have reservations about letting you pitch in with cleaning or laundry.  If this is the case, place a simple list numbered 1, 2, 3 on the refrigerator.  Ask her to write down three things she would feel comfortable accepting help with.  The next time you visit, glance at the list and get going!  If she insists life is great, do something unexpected for her.  Bring her a pot of homemade soup and some warm bread.  Drop off a new pair of pajamas for her, or the baby, or both!  Demonstrate your active listening skills by summarizing her shared feelings and suspending your judgment, offering suggestions only if she asks for your opinion.   

I have the fortunate opportunity to nurture and support pregnant women during their experiences of pregnancy and birth.  I have noticed the mother who functions well, feels good, and exudes confidence early in the postpartum period is the mother who continues to be blessed with help and visits from her extended supporters.  Babies bring joy, but they bring demands as well.  By meeting the needs of the new mother in your life, whether she is a friend, a neighbor, or your own daughter, you are enabling her to better care for and meet the needs of her own baby. 

Three things that can help after the baby comes:

-Postpartum Support International
-How to Have a Happy Baby
-Operating Instuctions